Overwhelmed....

     I have been on a downward spiral since my mom passed away. I kept busy with my classes, getting the kiddos to and from all of their functions, and just generally maintaining my household. Once school got out, Gabbi had her tonsils out, so I was busy with that; then Mo burned 4 of her fingers, so I was busy with that. Now that everything has settled down (or as settled down as it can be with 5 kids), it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

     One day last week, I got up with Steve when he was getting ready for work. I chatted with him, helped him find his socks, gave him a kiss and sent him on his way. Once he left, I headed back to bed. I logged on to Facebook and pulled up my media player for some background music. This song was playing. Tears began to fill my eyes and before too long I was full out bawling. I ended up crying for about an hour and a half and fell asleep. Since that day, I will randomly burst into tears without any warning. I hate it. 

     Here's what I think it boils down to: I need to deal with everything that I held in trying to be strong for my girls....but I'm just not ready....

So, This is How it Feels....

Even though I knew her prognosis was grim, I still wasn't ready when we got the phone call saying she had passed. 

It was Saturday, April 30th, just about noon. Steve and I were cleaning the house and rearranging the living room. The Littles were upstairs cleaning their room. The Bigs were off on a Crew camping trip. I caught the tail end of his phone ringing, so I picked it up and looked at the ID. The call came from Dottie's cell. I handed him the phone and told him he had missed a call from her. He headed outside for better reception and gave Dot a call back.

I looked up from the couch I was vacuuming off, and I could just tell by the look on his face that it wasn't good. As he hit the middle of the kitchen, he blurted out "We lost her about 10 minutes ago". 

Those words have echoed in my mind every day, several times a day, since I heard them. Steve has never been the person you want to hear news from: he sucks at it. He makes good news sound bad and bad news just gets blurted out.

At first, it was surreal: there wasn't anything to physically see. I was kind of in a state of denial. I texted and phoned the people that I thought would want to know. I was eerily calm and collected. I called Chris's dad and asked him to tell Cassi and to bring her home. Steve had the Littles come down and we told them. He called his parents. We all cried together for a short time, but I felt that I needed to maintain control over my emotions to be there for my girls. I mopped up my tears and held all three girls while they shed many tears.

I won't go into the details of the insanity that followed with my family in Michigan...just know that I spent the days following my mother's death being yelled at, cussed out, and informed of all the things that were expected of me. 

The day of the funeral was really the first day that her death hit home with me. There was her Earthly body, encased in box for all to see. I spent a good deal of the wake outside. It was very hard to look at her like that; not that it's ever easy, but I was on the verge of losing it. In the back of the parlor, the video tribute I made was playing. I spent a lot of time back there, too. 

When it was time for the service, my sister hurt me very badly. I had to sit in the front row with just my three girls; she didn't let Steve and Chris sit with us. She actually taped names to chairs. As I sit here typing this, tears have come to my eyes. I was devastated by her selfishness yet again. 

I will have to finish this post later..........

So much has been going on...

Things have been insane around here lately. There's been so much going on that I haven't been myself. I feel like i"m losing my mind and that I've lost my grip on reality,
My mom had a heart attack on March 26th. When she got to the ER, they found that she had double pneumonia and MRSA as well. She was put into a medically induced coma and was in the CCU. She was on massive antibiotics and a ventilator. Steven and I went up there and on Sunday April 2nd, we were told that she probably wasn't going to make it. On Wednesday, Dottie called and said they removed her vent and she was doing really good. She had a bad episode on Thursday, and is back to doing great today. I am praying that she is really on the mend this time. She is only 56...that's way too young to die. 
My friend Jenn moved to Florida. She left yesterday. It seems really weird to be sitting home on a Friday night without her. 
I really thought I would have more to write, but for some reason, I'm done....