A good day...

Today was a reasonably good day. It's the first remotely decent day that I have had since finding out about Trix. Yesterday I actually ventured out of the house for a bit...that's the first time in almost a whole week. It wasn't really a choice I had, but necessity...I had to pay a bill. Nonetheless, I did leave the house. 
I talked to Trix for a little bit today. She is standing firm that she doesn't want to be with her (ex)boyfriend anymore. I really don't believe her....and if you saw the two of them together, you wouldn't believe her either! He is picking her up Friday and they are going to spend the day together on Saturday...we'll see how that goes. 
Tomorrow is my weekly "Lunch with the Ladies"...I'm really looking forward to getting out and about. I may not even come home right after I eat :)

More thinking on Trix....

I don't seem to be able to keep Trix off my mind. I'm having a hard time taking care of the other girls because of that. That makes me feel like a bad mom...which brings my thinking back to Trix...and the fact that I'm a bad mom all over again. *sigh* 

Deep down, I'm not sure what to believe about my parenting skills...or lack thereof, depending on how you look at it. I used to think I was a pretty good parent; this has really changed my outlook on myself. I know there are excellent parents out there that have kids who turned out to be really horrible people....and that is one thing I try to remind myself of....I can only guide my children, teach them right from wrong, and point them in the right direction...they have to decide for themselves how they will use what they have learned to make their choices. 

I hope that I can maintain some semblance on my sanity when Trix comes home on Saturday...I hope that she will have thought about the decisions that she has made, and realize that she is on the wrong path. Whatever will be, will be....and I will have to accept that. I'm just not too sure I can...

She and I last summer :)

One of those moments I wasn't ready for....

My 16 year old has had a boyfriend for just over 10 months....and that relationship is no more. This boy was every parent's dream for their daughter: polite, respectful, intelligent, hardworking, cute...just an all-around nice guy. She has decided that she "doesn't have feelings" for him anymore....and that is complete BULL!! She broke up with him last Sunday, but he came over Monday...and Tuesday...AND Wednesday! Hello?! When I broke up with a guy, I surely didn't want him back over at my house....and especially not the next 3 days! When she looks at him, it's that same doe-eyed, love-struck look that it used to be! I just don't get it. 
...And that's the easy to swallow news....the bombshell? That she's no longer saving herself for marriage! (Yeah....I know....not the kind of thing that I should be blogging about, but I'm trying to deal with this and get through it the best that I can).
I haven't been able to sleep much since I found all of this out. A few hours here and there, but that's about it. I ended up sending her to stay with some family out of the state so I could try to deal with it without making our relationship more strained than it already is right now. It's not going very well. All I can think about is the fact that my little girl has made a few huge mistakes and that there isn't anything I can do to fix them. That's a really sucky feeling...I am THE FIXER around here...I'm lost as to what I should be doing and how I should be feeling right now. There really aren't any words to describe what I'm feeling and thinking right now.
While she has been gone I have been writing to her daily. I'm going to give her the notebook when she gets home. I'm hoping it will help her to understand why I sent her up there and how it was the best thing for both of us at that time. She told her (ex)boyfriend that I'm just as bad as my mother, since Debbie gave me away and I'm giving her away. When he told me that, I lost it.  I haven't given her away! I knew we needed a break from each other while I digested this HUGE news...I was having a very hard time with the fact that she wouldn't talk to me....and yeah, she still isn't talking to me....so....
I'm sure this won't be the last post on this topic.....but this is all I can get out for now.

All I can say is that I am not as smart as I thought I was...

The parenting skills I thought I had have just been shot all to hell....