Thursday, January 29, 2009

Social Networking Junkies Anonymous

I have "sworn off" my social networking sites for the time being. My life has become so drama filled lately, and I've had enough. I do still check them daily, as I get mail from my landlord on both sites, but I'm not updating anything, blogging on myspace, nor answering anyone else's emails or messages. Things have got to change, and I guess it needs to start with me. I do still play games on POGO, blog on this site and a few other minor things, but mostly I am internet free. I have 2 new books to read and plenty of other stuff to keep me busy.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. We're having dinner with -H- and -C- on Friday, Cassi is getting her shoes and her mani/pedi Saturday afternoon and her dance is that night, (Steve and I are having movie night that night), Sunday is church with the -V-s, shopping with -MB-, and then -MB- (& maybe her family) are coming to watch the Steelers kick some Cardinal ass!

All 3 of the girls have apologized to me for their recent behavior. I think that is a step in the right direction. We have lifted some of the restrictions on them, but not all. That's how Cassi is getting to go to her dance and they are all getting to go to -H- & -C-'s tomorrow.

I guess that's it for now.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Just Another Tuesday

I still have a bit of a leftover headache from dealing with my 3 houligans last night. I had it out with all of them. Cassi ended up deleting her myspace account...I hate to tell her, but the only reason I even cared was that people were driving me nuts wondering why she deleted them as friends. I posted a small bulletin letting them all know that she deleted her account, not them personally. I wish I could ground Steve, too. He's not helping me at all, and he's being a butthead in the meantime,

I'm going out tonight with a few friends to The Naked Clay Cafe. I've not been there before, but to a similar place, and it was fun. I'm thinking I might need to start going out every night of the week to maintain some sembalance of my sanity.

I'm really looking forward to church again this Sunday. I have missed going and am glad to be welcomed with open arms. The people there were wonderful. Gabs and Mo liked their class, too.

I know I didn't have a whole lot to say today, but that's cuz I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night and -M- didn't nap well today, so I didn't get to either.

Monday, January 26, 2009

What A Busy Weekend! (edited)

This weekend was mad-crazy-busy!

Steve and I went grocery shopping on Friday. We left all of the girls at home so we could get it done faster, since -B- and her daughter -H- were coming over. While trying to decide what to have for dinner, -B- called to let us know she was at our house. We ended up deciding to go out to eat at IHOP cuz no one wanted to cook. -B- loaded all 4 of the girls into her car and met us out at IHOP. The girls ate pretty well and were behaving nicely. It was great. When it was time to get the check, out waitress came over and said she had some good news. Us adults were looking at each other like "um, no dessert here, thanks!" but what the waitress actually said left us speechless...some anonymous patron had paid our entire bill!! We couldn't believe it. There were 7 of us on that bill...I'm guessing that the total had to be close to $50! What a blessing that was! So, I'd like to take a moment to thank that wonderful person for making our weekend! The waitress wasn't allowed to tell us who it was, but that the patron hoped we'd had a good time and enjoyed the food. Thank you, Mystery Patron...we did both, and because of you, I got to buy more groceries! God does work in mysterious ways sometimes!

On Saturday, I braced myself for a marathon shopping session with Cassi. My friend -K- and her daughter -T- met us at the mall. You wouldn't think that shoe shopping would be that hard...but let me tell you that it was horrible! Back before Christmas Cassi found a pair of shoes that she liked at a store called Shi in the mall. They are ugly and cost almost $40. I spent 3 hours at Glenbrook looking for shoes with her. Most she wouldn't even try on... and if she did, there was always something worng with them. I told her that if I was just wasting time by looking around and she was set on the other pair that I just wanted to know and that we would talk about it. She assured me that wasn't the case. However, after 3 hours at the mall and another 2 at other store like Kohl's and Shoe Carnival, I was DONE! I had other plans for the evening on Saturday and needed to get home and get ready for them. She was not happy about that! Here's a pic of the shoes she wants:

Anyhow, I had Mom's Night Out Saturday evening. We went out to eat at The Great Wall, a Chinese place nearby. The food was yummy and the company was fab! I had a great time. After dinner, -B- and I headed back to my place. We hung out and played games here with Steve, his buddy -P- and another couple -J- & -M-. I ended up getting sleepy, so I went to bed. I checked my mail and myspace before hitting the sack. What a mistake that was! Cassi had posted a couple of not-so-nice bulletins about me cuz she was mad about the shoes. Her mood on there was something along the lines of "wanna see my new shoes? they're at the STORE!" So, yeah...I was pissed!

Sunday we went to church with -MB- and her family. I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to next Sunday. After church they came over and hung out for a while. I was really glad. I like them a lot and enjoy spending time with them all.

I have more to say, but I am out of time for now. I will finish later :)

I am back to finish this post. I am now furious though.

Cassidy, Gabrielle and Madison seem to have forgotten how to act. The little girls were running around in the living room and Maddi fell and got hurt. I don't know what has gotten into them lately, but I am tired of all their bad behavior. I know that kids have needs and I get that, but I have never allowed running in the house. I have never had as many issues with disobedience as I am having now. This is just great on top of all the crap I'm going through with Cassi. She called and told my sister about the shoes. Which of course, led to my mom butting her nose into it. I am so frustrated with all 3 of them right now! I know that "kids will be kids" but that's not how I'm raising my kids to act. As of right now, all 3 girls are grounded from the Wii, the computers, T.V., radios or MP3 players and company. So much for hosting a Super Bowl Party! Damn, but I'm pissed!

Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm Giving It My Everything

I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have put my all in to my marriage and into my life in general and I feel as though I'm getting nothing back.

Steve and I had another huge blowout last night that lasted until about 4am. I don't get why he can't understand my needs when I hand them to him on a silver platter. I literally tell him everything...I leave nothing unsaid or unexplained...and he still doesn't get me. I have really begun to question the strength of his commitment to me, the depth of his love for me and our life together in general. I have been making so many character mistakes lately... have I misjudged him too? Does he really love me anymore? Does he even care that I have been crying myself to sleep every night for over a week? Does he know how hurt I am? The biggest question of all is does he even care at all? I used to think that we had a very strong marriage, but I'm beginning to question so much of my life that I don't even know how to look at things anymore. I have been used and abused so much lately that it's sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning. I feel like such a fool. I have become wrapped up in self-loathing over this whole segment in my life...I'm now second guessing everyone and everything. I hate it. I have been having a hard time making sense of anything in my life as of late...and I fly from one emotion to the next like I'm island hopping or something. I just want things to be ok again. I want to know that Steve loves me and genuinely cares about me the way he used to. If that isn't possible and he no longer feels that way about me, then I want him to come clean so we can figure out what to do next. I don't want to be married to a man that doesn't love me. I will hurt, but I'm strong, and in time, I will be ok. I need some answers...and the sooner the better. I can't type anymore right now, I'm too upset. I may come back later, but Idk...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Same Old Song And Dance

I really haven't had a whole lot to say lately. I'm just trying to stay drama free by limiting who I'm socializing with.

I finally talked to that "friend"...she still seems to think that there is no problem. I'm glad that she's ok with what has gone on between us, but I'm not. It isn't for me to judge her actions, but for me to accept them and move on in my own way. I haven't forgiven her by any means, although I'm just about done with the feelings I had towards her. We do have several friends in common, but I can choose to not participate in activities that would bring us together. I'm ok with that to an extent...but I don't want it to alienate me from all those friends. My first test will be this Saturday. I'm sure that I can behave in a nice fashion, but I don't want to be seated next to her. I'm hoping to end up between a few people and her on the other end of the table....we'll see how it goes. If I don't think it went well at all, then I will make further adjustments as I go along.

I'm having some issues with the parents of -M-. Their family was sick a lot over the past few weeks and I only had him a total of 4 days in 2 weeks. They felt that they should only pay me for one week instead of 2. On one hand, I could see their point of view. However, they only pay me a fraction of what it would cost them to have him in a daycare. Nothing was discussed with me at all...I was just handed one weeks pay. I'm more upset that they didn't talk to me about it than the fact that I only got $50. I've been having payday issues with them as it is....the last 2 paydays I didn't have -M-, so they didn't pay me until they felt like it. On top of that, they didn't even bother to call me and let me know that they weren't going to pay me that day. As it stands now, the next time I get paid I will have babysat for 2 weeks without pay. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement. I want to be paid at least one week ahead. That's the way it was before: I babysat week one and got paid that Friday for week one and week 2. That felt like a great compromise to me. I do not like being behind...if she decded to just stop bringing him to me, she'd owe me for 2 weeks and I honestly don't think that I'd ever get paid. I'm hoping to find the courage tot alk to her about it today...wish me luck!!

I guess I had more to say than I knew...LOL

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Maddi Lost Her First Tooth!!

This is Madison's letter to the Tooth Fairy...she lost her first tooth today at school. This is what the letter says:
Dear tooth farry
I lost my tooth at lunch and I thingk that I throo it away and it is my 1st tooth. I am Happy.
I included the pic of her minus her tooth.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I have been so busy the past few days that I keep forgetting to blog!

Jennie left today. We had a really good time while she was here. LaLa has grown so much! I can't believe that she's turning one in April.

There was pretty much a full house here at all times over the weekend. I loved it, but I'm glad things have calmed down now.

I'm still having issues with Steve. He has no idea how I'm feeling, and it doesn't feel like he even cares. I'm really getting frustrated with the whole thing. I have tried to talk to him about it all week last week and he didn't listen to a thing I had to say...I know this cuz it has been a rough 7 days and he keeps asking what is wrong. If he would have listened last week, he wouldn't be asking this week.

I don't feel like writing anymore tonight.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Suck And I Can Admit It

UGH! What is it about Fridays that make me forget to blog?

-H- and her family came over for a while Friday afternoon. We talked about what happened between was emotional. We apologized to each other and have decided to try to move on a little at a time. Steve wasn't here at the time, so he feels kinda awkward. We'll see what develops.

Steve and I took the kiddos to a dinner and movie thing that -MB-'s church was hosting. We all had a good time. The adults and Cassi watched "Facing The Giants" (one of my all time fave movies!), while the kiddos got to play and watch "Alvin And The Chipmunks". Gabbi and Maddi said they had a good time "babysitting" Hunter. I was rolling! They think they are so big!

Jennie, Jeffery and Makayla got here last night, too. I'm so glad they made it this time! This is the first time in 6 months that she has came down!

Today, Steve and Josh kept all the kiddos while me, Jennie, Myra and Bridgette went shopping. I got Milas some Batman jammies and a new sippy cup. Not too sure what My's gonna end up with...she never decided. The party is tomorrow at 2.

Cassi was barfy today. UGH! We kept her kinda banished to the basement. I felt bad for her, but I don't want it to be spread around. I will now be paranoid about the kiddos barfing for the next week!

I guess that's the jist of things for now...I'm heading to bed!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Titles Are Highly Overrated

I've been having a heck of a time coming up with titles for my blogs, so I'm thinking about untitling them all LOL!!

I kept the kiddos home today, since it was so dang cold and nasty out. I didn't want to drive in it or have my babies out in it. They already have a 2 hour delay for tomorrow. Most of the surrounding area schools are already closed, including some here in town...but not Fort Wayne Community. They drive me nuts sometimes.

Jennie is going to try to come down again this weekend. I really hope she makes it this time.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Another Wednesday.....

I had -M- back today. He was so good! I couldn't believe the difference in him today. I'm thinking that maybe he wasn't feeling good last week. He didn't have any symptoms or anything, but his whole family ended up with the barfy flu.

I read a friends blog the other day, and what she wrote spoke volumes to me. -K- was having some issues, and while the actual problems were different, our feelings are identical. She was talking about people who are selfish, fake and liars. I'm dealing with that issue currently. It gave me al ot to think about. I have snagged a quote from each of her categories: "Liars are people who need to hide things from people." : "Fake people are quite possibly worse than liars. Act your age, buck up, show some intergity." and lastly: "Selfish - this one is a killer for me. When you need help, I am there in a heartbeat. Whether it is a good decision on my part or a bad one is up to me to suffer through at a later time. But why is it that when I need someone or something that there is no one to come through for me?" Wow...she hit the nail on the head, even with just what I snagged.

-MB- has been sharing a lot of info with me lately. She makes a lot of sense. I hope I am smart enough to heed her advice. One thing I'm definitley looking forward to is going back to church, which is something that she mentioned. I know that I need God in my life, and that He's there no matter where I am, but I like going to church. I have a need to go....I have really missed it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

A Little of This....

No Milas again today. Apparently that's one nasty flu bug they have....and they are more than welcome to not share it with me!

Slept for part of the day today, did nothing for part of the day today, shopped for part of the day today, and am kicking back for what's left of the day today. I'm hoping that this big snow storm hits tonight. I love snow days!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Again, I Must Apologize....

I had so much to say last night and no time to say I don't feel like saying it! LOL

I spent most of the day today just relaxing. I was supposed to go to a birthday for a friend's son today, but didn't get to. We had some issues with our van. Hubby thinks he left the radio on last night. After some charging, it started right up....thank GOD!

I'm really glad that I have kinda started to mend fences with that friend I was talking about last night. We have a lot of history together. I have missed her a lot. However, forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things. I might forgive her but I'll never forget what happened.

I'm off for now. Hopefully I will feel like giving out the dirt tomorrow while Milas is here.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

He Shoots, He Scores!

We went to a Komets hockey game with some friends tonight. It was a good game with a few a fights. They lost in the last period though. I love hockey! Can't wait to go again.

I'm kinda cheating with this blog, though...I should really write more, but I'm trying to get it done before midnight.

I started talking to an old friend today. Not too sure how well that's going to go, but I have been trying to grow as a person, and forgiving her might fit into that category.

That's all I'm gonna say for now. I have more, but as I said.....this is a quickie to be on schedule!

Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm Glad I Don't Get Graded On My Blogging!

If I was doing this for a grade, I'd have been marked down! I can't believe I forgot to blog here yesterday! I had been doing so well...grrrr!

Anyhow, I only had -M- on Monday and Tuesday this week, due to his parents work schedule and then his family getting the barfy flu. I found other ways to amuse myself though!

Wednesday there was no school and I blogged about that. My friend -B- and her daughter -H- came over and hung out for a while. That Hubby-Guy made his famous Mashed Potatoe Meatloaf! It was SO YUMMY!

Thursday a good friend of mine, -MB- came over with her son, -H-. Gabbi and Cassi didn't go to school, so they got to hang out with us too. We had lots of fun, and I found a new Wii game I want to get. It's for the Fit...Jillian Michales....some type of workout game. It was kicking their butts! I was to embarrassed to try it, so I watched, but I do want it. It looked awesome.

Today is Friday. I was hoping my friend -J- was gonna make a trip down from Michigan, but it's looking crazy outside. We have gotten a couple of inches of snow and she has gotten about 3 or so. I'm so bummed! I miss her and the kiddos. I'm hoping it lets up and she is able to make the trip.

Nothing has changed with my "friend" situation. I have gotten a lot of advice about what I should do, but so far I've done nothing. I hate the fact that I need to make a decison, but I have to. It could end up costing me a whole lot more than it already has. What makes me even more upset, is she was right here at my house with me when I went thru this EXACT same thing with another "friend" and she saw what it did to me! I was physically sick over it! Why in the hell would she put me right back thru it? On top of it all, I don't want to deal with her false charges of harassment, but I want what is mine! How am I supposed to fix that? UGH! I could scream!!

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I will remember to blog over the weekend, but we shall see.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

No Snappy Title Today

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to blog on this site everyday, no matter how boring my entry will be. You might want to strap into your seat as it might take that to read some of these blogs of mine! LOL

The day really didn't get much better yesterday with -M-. Today has been more of the same. I finally have him down for a nap. *sigh* He's so not on our old schedule. I hate it! He should be about ready to get up by now so he can play before he needs to eat lunch, which was normally about 11:30 ish. He gets picked up at 1 and -L- likes him to be ready for a nap in the car. I won't have him tomorrow....I'm sleeping ALL DAY!!

Sunday was the anniversary of my Mamaw's death. It has been 16 years. I did really well dealing with it. I usually get really down and need to be alone, but not this year. I think it was due to the girls coming home from Michigan. I didn't want to let them out of my sight. I spent the day playing games with the little girls, took Cassi out shopping and grabbed a Starbux. It was a great day. I am however, going to copy and paste my blog from last year to the end of this entry. It's my way of remembering and paying my respects.

I have been doing at least a little bit of a workout on the Wii Fit everyday now. I'm not losing anything, but I'm not gaining either. I really like it. I'm hoping it will eventually help me to lose the weight, but I"m not holding my breath.

I guess that's it for now. Here's my blog from last year:

Missin’ My Mamaw
Current mood: melancholy

Well, I can tell you exactly where I was on this date in 1993....

I was at my Mamaw's bedside in the Chelsea Hospital as she slowly slipped away, going home to be with God. There were several of us there: all of her kids with some of their spouses and a couple of us grandkids. I was 18 years old. I had lost my Papaw just 6 months before. They were the two people that had raised me. I had lost both of my parents. I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I going to fill my days now? I worked at the deli in town, but the rest of my time was spent with her. Dottie, Gary and I had moved in with her after Papaw died so we could care for her. I had learned how to give her the insulin shots that she needed. I cooked for her and saw that she actually ate the food. I helped her in every way, everyday.... now what?
I knew this day would come, as she had been slowly giving up since June 28th, 1992 when her beloved Claude had died. By the time November had rolled around, she had really just given up. She went into the hospital on November 12th, my 18th birthday, only making it out of the hospital for a couple of days to have one last Christmas at home with us. She went back into the hospital the day after Christmas and left this world to be with her husband just 9 days later.
It was so very cold on January 7th 1993 when we laid her to rest. I was again wearing my skirt and blazer....the last time I would ever wear it. I can remember being handed a red rose from the top of her casket, and laying a pink rose in its place. I can remember not feeling the cold wind as I stood for the graveside prayer, but as I walked back to the car it nearly knocked me over. I never got warm that day.
When I got home after the service and burial, I could hardly walk thru the door: this was HER house. How was I going to live here any more? I missed her so much. As I finally came into the house, I had to pass her room. My eyes were drawn to her bed. My feet froze. I stepped into her room, where I collapsed on her bed and cried until I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow I managed to get back to my feet and go to my room. I changed into my pajamas and crawled into my bed. I had no idea what time it was, but I didn't get out of my bed until sometime the next afternoon.
So, today it has been 15 years since she passed away. I know that she would have loved to see me get married and have babies. I think she would have loved Cassi's red hair- she often made jokes about a red-headed step child. She would have loved to listen to Gabbi rattle on about what she had learned in school that day. She would have loved to have Maddi out in the garden picking beans right along side of her. She would have put Steven to work in whatever way she needed him. I'm sure my job would still have been helping to string the beans and can them. In my heart I know that she is proud of me. I know that just like Papaw, she's up in Heaven smiling down on me and my family. I'm sure she smiles in my joys and weeps with me through the pain.
May you Rest In Peace, Mamaw. Just like I told Papaw....when the time comes, I will join you. For now, please keep watch over all of us. I love you.

Monday, January 5, 2009

2 Weeks May Have Been Too Long

I have -M- back today. I'm amazed at the difference in him. When I first started having him, he was a bit clingy and be expected the first few days in a new environment. After a few days though, he had adjusted and was such a good baby! He would play in his walker, on the floor and in the pack-n-play. By the time Christmas break rolled around, we had a routine going and things were great.

Fast forward to today....

-M- is right back to where we started...and even a bit worse. He was great while I took the girls to school. He was great when we got home and I got him out of his coat. He was fine when I put him on the floor to grab a diaper and wipes...for all of 2.5 seconds! The minute he wasn't in my arms or his carseat it was all over. I was moving as fast as I could, grabbing the stuff to change him (mind you, it was litterally 3 steps away from him), sat on the floor with him and got down to business. Apparently, no one changed him before they brought him over this morning....he'd peed thru his diaper and his undershirt was wet. That meant I needed to change him into clothes before he ate breakfast. Grrrr.....he's a messy eater and they never send a bib. Nothing I could really do but change him, so I did. I know he's a baby, don't get me wrong....but this is a totally different baby than the one that I was watching! He fussed and cried almost the whole time! He's never been this way. He has had a cold before and was cutting teeth and wasn't this difficult! After I finally managed to get him dressed, I popped him in the pack-n-play to watch a little bit of Barney while I regrouped. Yeah, right! He screamed and cried the whole time! No amount of toys, talking or TV would settle him. It was a full out temper tantrum! For those of you who know know how well I took that. For those of you who don't know me, I have 3 kiddos of my own, have babysat forever and worked in a daycare. I NEVER put up with or give in to tantrums. I feel that if you do, you're showing the child that they can use that to get their way. I really couldn't handle it today, so I picked him up thinking maybe I missed something and there was an issue. Yeah, the issue was that I wasn't holding him! He clung to me for dear if I put him down he would die. I decided to take him into the kitchen and go ahead with breakfast. He was fine playing with the fridge magnets while I made his cereal. I brought him back to the living room to feed him...he ate fine and has been playing great for the last 15 minutes. *sigh of relief* However, as I am typing this last littel bit he's fussing again. I'm going to make him a bottle and try to get him down for a nap. I'm guessing that he got way off schedule like the rest of us during break. Hopefully a nap will restore some form of normality.
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