I'm Just Not Feelin' It....

     Tomorrow is Christmas Eve; the stockings are hung, the decorations are up, the tree has tons of gifts underneath it, with more to come from Santa....but I'm just not in the mood for Christmas this year. I don't know why, I'm just not. We didn't even get our tree up on time, and I didn't care. I wouldn't have cared if we even put one up at all, if I'm to be honest. 
     My grades are in: A in Psych, B+ in Math, and a D in Sociology. I'm not pleased at all. I didn't do my best in the Soc. class. I had an assignment that I flat out didn't do and it was worth 200 points. The class itself was only worth 566, so subtracting 200 from that, there was no way for me to do better than a D. On top of that, the assignment could have been fun. It wasn't even hard, just time consuming.
     Time was an issue this semester, because I spent 29 days at Parkview with Steve's dad in the STICU. I wasn't the only one, but I felt that I should be there for Shirley, as well as Steven, so there I was,
     Add to these things, the fact that we are totally broke. No money for anything; not food or gas....no more cigarettes for us- there's no money for them! We have a disconnect on the electric scheduled for next Wednesday...it's only $66, but it's $66 that I don't have. I'm tired of telling my kids no. I know that going to school will eventually lead to a job, but right now, this is just sucking. I refuse to borrow money from Steve's parents as they are having their own struggles since Pat is unable to work for 6 months. I can't borrow from my family....they claim not to have it...but I know better. 
     I was hoping that getting this out would make me feel better, but it didn't. I actually feel worse :(

Baby, It's Cold.....INSIDE!

I am freezing....our furnace went out at 1 A.M. this morning. It's a whopping 61 degrees in the house. I know that's a heck of a lot warmer than outside, but I assure you that it doesn't feel that much better!! On top of that, I'm supposed to be making note cards for my Sociology final, not blogging.....I can't make my mind concentrate on that cuz I'm so danged cold! This is the reason that I didn't ever want to buy a house. We don't have the resources to manage problems like this. Coe Heating and Air wanted $111 before they would even contact a repairman after hours!! Seriously?!?!? UGH!!!

Just a Quickie....

Wanted to throw out a quick update....

My eye is almost back to normal. I'm so happy that I can see again! I missed being able to drive and do simple things for myself. 

Thanksgiving is now behind us, and Christmas is fast approaching. I am one gift short of being completely finished shopping; I need to pick up a PS2 for Cassi...other than that, I am finished!! This is the first time in many years that I have been this far ahead of the game and I didn't even get out in the craziness of Black Friday. I was kinda bummed about that, but I wasn't feeling the greatest, so it worked out. 

I am almost to the end of Fall semester. I have all A's and B's this term!! I have signed up for a couple of online classes for Spring semester....I'm not too sure if I will like that, but I like the thought of not having to get out of bed and physically GO to school.

I guess that's where I will end this post. :)

I guess I have a dirty eye...

     I woke up Sunday morning and my right eye was a bit swollen. I really didn't think much about it....I hadn't gone to bed until after 5am, so I figured it was from lack of sleep. When I woke up Monday morning, it was a bit sore and a bit more swollen. I posted a picture to facebook and asked for some advice. I checked into some of the suggestions, and tried several of them to no avail. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't even open the dang thing! I gave in and a friend of mine drove me to the ER. Guess what it is? It's a freaking zit under my eyelid! I feel so gross!! 

Isn't it just sooo cute! UGH!!

     

Just downloaded Picasa and thought I'd give it a try!

Crazy times....

It has been rather crazy around here as of late.

My FIL, Pat had a double bypass just over a month ago...it was very touch-and-go for a while, but he is doing great now. He has been home for just over a week.

Cassi and Chris have gotten back together :) I am so happy for them! They are so perfect for each other. I hope that the two of them realize what they have and truly make a go of it.

High school football season is over now. I can finally have my Friday nights back! I love to go watch Chris play, but it sometimes, it's hard to plan around his games.

School is in full swing for all of us girls. I am up to my eyeballs in class work, but I don't want anyone to know how far behind I have gotten. I spent way too many days at the hospital instead of in class, then I got pretty sick. I am getting caught up, but it's taking forever.

The teens took the Littles out Trick-or-Treating this year. They got tons of candy and all had a great time.

We just had another photo shoot with MB....the pictures are beyond fabulous! I am buying the CD because I couldn't make up my mind on what pix to order! There were just too many great shots.

Christmas is right around the corner again; but this time, we are ready for it. We have almost everything taken care of. We have a few things yet to get for Christopher and one big gift for Cassi, but other than that- we are done!

I guess that's about all of my news for now.

my mom

Me and my mom

It has taken me a few days to be able to finish this post. My mom's cancer is back...and now it's in her right lung. She has already lost half of her left lung and this tumor is at least twice the size of the one that was already removed. That's all I know at this point. I will update as I can.

It's Back-To-School time again!

We hit the stores hard on Saturday; Old Navy, Kohl's, Penny's and Journeyz.... Gabbi and Maddi finished their shopping in one day....Cassi, however, wanted to hit up Wal-Mart on Sunday. Needless to say, after 7 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday, I don't care to see the inside of ANY store for a long time! I'm so glad that part is over now. All 3 girls have all of their clothing, shoes, and supplies for the start of the school year. All that's left is registration, which we are doing at 1 p.m. today.

Here are some of the outfits they got:

Trix in her favorite outfit from Old Navy

Lou rockin' her new duds from Kohl's

Meesta in my favorite outfit from Penny's

Where has the summer gone?

I can't believe that school will be starting in less than a month! I am so not ready yet! I mean, I'm ready for the girls to go back...just not me. :) 

I will be taking 4 classes again; Math, Public Speaking, Intro to Social Psych, and Sociology of Relationships and the Family. Schedule is a bit weird this time...2 days a week I will have to pick up all of the girls and bring them home before heading out to class again. I hope it will work out. I know Cassi doesn't really want to babysit for her sisters, but unless she's willing to foot the daycare bill... that is exactly what she will be doing. Although I will be compensating her a little bit.

We finally got the central air installed last week...AHHH! The next phase of home improvements will be painting Gabbi & Maddi's room....if they ever decide what colors and how they want it done. There will be a section done in "chalkboard" paint....I think the will really like that. Kitchen project will begin in February, as that is going to be a total remodel. The only thing staying will be the fridge. 

On a side note, Gabbi's writing workshop has been going great. Look for her article to be published in the August 10th edition of the JG, in the Fred Page section. 

Maddi and Gabbi finally realized that I have a webcam....

Three Rivers Fest Parade

I'm not a happy camper at this moment....I have been sitting downtown since just before 4 A.M....without a certain friend that was supposed to come with me. I'm sure there will be 1,000 excuses, just like usual....and I don't really care. The bottom line is this: she let me down again! If Cassi wouldn't have came with me, I woulda been down here alone. This is supposed to be fun....we usually play games, color....just hang out. Apparently that wasn't very high on her list of priorities. Yeah....not a happy camper :(

Labeled a failure yet again.....

I'm not too sure how many more times I can take being labeled a failure.... I'm tired of feeling like I have to take care of everyone and everything, and when something doesn't meet someone else's standards, I'm a failure. This feeling inside me right now has me so damned upset, frustrated and furious! I just want to explode!

On top of that mess, my 2 younger kiddos just got home from Michigan and are sick; stuffy noses, sore throats, slight fevers and nasty, make-you-wanna-gag-til-you-vomit coughs. I have only seen them for about an hour or so....and I had to feed them, dose them up, hug them and send them to bed. They look so pitiful! I could seriously just get in my van and make a road trip! They come home like this almost every time they go up there! I'm sure the question of why do I still let them go is on the tip of your tongue....well, my mom has cancer....I"m always afraid that each trip up there might be the last time they get to see her. I don't want them to miss out on one last chance to spend some time with their granny before she loses her battle with this horrid disease!
That's all I got for now....I seriously need to just go to bed with a big bottle of Nyquil....

A good day...

Today was a reasonably good day. It's the first remotely decent day that I have had since finding out about Trix. Yesterday I actually ventured out of the house for a bit...that's the first time in almost a whole week. It wasn't really a choice I had, but necessity...I had to pay a bill. Nonetheless, I did leave the house. 
I talked to Trix for a little bit today. She is standing firm that she doesn't want to be with her (ex)boyfriend anymore. I really don't believe her....and if you saw the two of them together, you wouldn't believe her either! He is picking her up Friday and they are going to spend the day together on Saturday...we'll see how that goes. 
Tomorrow is my weekly "Lunch with the Ladies"...I'm really looking forward to getting out and about. I may not even come home right after I eat :)

More thinking on Trix....

I don't seem to be able to keep Trix off my mind. I'm having a hard time taking care of the other girls because of that. That makes me feel like a bad mom...which brings my thinking back to Trix...and the fact that I'm a bad mom all over again. *sigh* 

Deep down, I'm not sure what to believe about my parenting skills...or lack thereof, depending on how you look at it. I used to think I was a pretty good parent; this has really changed my outlook on myself. I know there are excellent parents out there that have kids who turned out to be really horrible people....and that is one thing I try to remind myself of....I can only guide my children, teach them right from wrong, and point them in the right direction...they have to decide for themselves how they will use what they have learned to make their choices. 

I hope that I can maintain some semblance on my sanity when Trix comes home on Saturday...I hope that she will have thought about the decisions that she has made, and realize that she is on the wrong path. Whatever will be, will be....and I will have to accept that. I'm just not too sure I can...

She and I last summer :)

One of those moments I wasn't ready for....

My 16 year old has had a boyfriend for just over 10 months....and that relationship is no more. This boy was every parent's dream for their daughter: polite, respectful, intelligent, hardworking, cute...just an all-around nice guy. She has decided that she "doesn't have feelings" for him anymore....and that is complete BULL!! She broke up with him last Sunday, but he came over Monday...and Tuesday...AND Wednesday! Hello?! When I broke up with a guy, I surely didn't want him back over at my house....and especially not the next 3 days! When she looks at him, it's that same doe-eyed, love-struck look that it used to be! I just don't get it. 
...And that's the easy to swallow news....the bombshell? That she's no longer saving herself for marriage! (Yeah....I know....not the kind of thing that I should be blogging about, but I'm trying to deal with this and get through it the best that I can).
I haven't been able to sleep much since I found all of this out. A few hours here and there, but that's about it. I ended up sending her to stay with some family out of the state so I could try to deal with it without making our relationship more strained than it already is right now. It's not going very well. All I can think about is the fact that my little girl has made a few huge mistakes and that there isn't anything I can do to fix them. That's a really sucky feeling...I am THE FIXER around here...I'm lost as to what I should be doing and how I should be feeling right now. There really aren't any words to describe what I'm feeling and thinking right now.
While she has been gone I have been writing to her daily. I'm going to give her the notebook when she gets home. I'm hoping it will help her to understand why I sent her up there and how it was the best thing for both of us at that time. She told her (ex)boyfriend that I'm just as bad as my mother, since Debbie gave me away and I'm giving her away. When he told me that, I lost it.  I haven't given her away! I knew we needed a break from each other while I digested this HUGE news...I was having a very hard time with the fact that she wouldn't talk to me....and yeah, she still isn't talking to me....so....
I'm sure this won't be the last post on this topic.....but this is all I can get out for now.

All I can say is that I am not as smart as I thought I was...

The parenting skills I thought I had have just been shot all to hell....

On This Day, 18 Years ago....

....I was walking across the stage at good ol' Grass Lake High School to accept my diploma. I cannot believe that is has been 18 years! Where does all the time go? 

I have decided to reflect a little bit today before I get on with my busy day...I will probably be doing lots of random rambling, so bear with me!

• That year, I went to prom with my best guy friend, Ben. My dress was black velvet and fuschia taffeta.
• I drove a 1979 black Mustang
• For our Senior prank, we slept on top of the high school overnight, and waved to all the bus kids and teachers as they pulled in the following morning....and went to school in our jammies!
• We took a ski trip that year....I had never been skiing before, but it was a blast!
• Our Senior trip to Cedar Point rocked!
• My Papaw died just 28 short days after watching me graduate :( 

My musings....

Well, I have finished my Spring Semester of school. I'm pretty pleased with my grades. I got an A in English, a B in Philosophy/Ethics, a B in Sociology, and a C in Psychology....which kinda ticks me off! I missed a midterm exam due to a migriane. I asked the teacher if I could make it up, and she told me yes. When I went to make the appointment to do so, I found out that I needed to do it 24 hours in advance! I emailed the instructor about the issue and she never got back to me! Therefore, I didn't get to take the exam. So, I guess for missing out on 200 points and still getting a C, I should be happy...but I'm not! I know I was capable of atleast a B, if not an A! UGH!

There has been a shift in my thinking lately, too. There are so many little things that I let bother me for so long....I have been making a concious effort to let them all go. So far, so good. Oh, some things are still hiding in the back of my mind, but it's nothing like it used to be!

I am hoping to make it to Kentucky for my best friend Annnie's son's graduation over Memorial Day weekend. I miss them a lot and I would also love to get out of town for a hot minute! We'll see :)

Rambling On.....

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately....I am just so frustrated with how the little things get to me! With that being said, I have been trying hard to just turn them over to God and let Him handle them....
On a brighter note, we have made the decision to buy the house we are renting! I wasn't too sure that I ever wanted to buy a house, due to the amout of SHIT responsibilty that falls on the homeowner, but Alliance has made us a great offer that we would be stupid to refuse :) We are really happy here and they agreed to all of our stipulations, so we are going for it! The girls are just as excited as we are and can't wait to get started on some of the projects. Gabbi and Mo are going to paint their room pink and purple. One wall will be pink and it will lead into a second wall. The second wall will be half pink and meet up with the purple that will go onto the third wall. The fourth wall (the one with the door) is going to be painted with chalkboard paint so they can draw and write on it. The room they have their clothes in will be turned into a walk-in closet, with wrap around clothes hanging bars. That's where their dressers are going to be, too. It will give them a lot more room in their actual bedroom. The living room up there is going to pretty much be a toy room. They are super excited. Cassi hasn't made up her mind about a color yet, or anything else she wants to change. She will also get to decorate the upstairs bathroom and choose the new sink and shower when we get to that point.
I'm doing really well in school right now....I have all A's and B's.....I am so geeked about it! Hopefully I can maintain these grades through the end :)

Just Another Day in the Life....

Steve and I took the little girls shopping las night for their Daddy/Daughter Dance dresses. They had a ball trying on about 1,000,000,000,000,001 dresses! It was pretty fun, but by the time I hit hour number two, I was done. It took just over 3 hours to have 2 completely satisfied girls :) and the dresses were on sale, to boot, which made for a satisfied Mommy. These are 2 of the dresses they didn't choose. Pictures will be forthcoming after their dance of what they did choose :)