Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm Giving It My Everything

I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have put my all in to my marriage and into my life in general and I feel as though I'm getting nothing back.

Steve and I had another huge blowout last night that lasted until about 4am. I don't get why he can't understand my needs when I hand them to him on a silver platter. I literally tell him everything...I leave nothing unsaid or unexplained...and he still doesn't get me. I have really begun to question the strength of his commitment to me, the depth of his love for me and our life together in general. I have been making so many character mistakes lately... have I misjudged him too? Does he really love me anymore? Does he even care that I have been crying myself to sleep every night for over a week? Does he know how hurt I am? The biggest question of all is does he even care at all? I used to think that we had a very strong marriage, but I'm beginning to question so much of my life that I don't even know how to look at things anymore. I have been used and abused so much lately that it's sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning. I feel like such a fool. I have become wrapped up in self-loathing over this whole segment in my life...I'm now second guessing everyone and everything. I hate it. I have been having a hard time making sense of anything in my life as of late...and I fly from one emotion to the next like I'm island hopping or something. I just want things to be ok again. I want to know that Steve loves me and genuinely cares about me the way he used to. If that isn't possible and he no longer feels that way about me, then I want him to come clean so we can figure out what to do next. I don't want to be married to a man that doesn't love me. I will hurt, but I'm strong, and in time, I will be ok. I need some answers...and the sooner the better. I can't type anymore right now, I'm too upset. I may come back later, but Idk...


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