Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So, This is How it Feels....

Even though I knew her prognosis was grim, I still wasn't ready when we got the phone call saying she had passed. 

It was Saturday, April 30th, just about noon. Steve and I were cleaning the house and rearranging the living room. The Littles were upstairs cleaning their room. The Bigs were off on a Crew camping trip. I caught the tail end of his phone ringing, so I picked it up and looked at the ID. The call came from Dottie's cell. I handed him the phone and told him he had missed a call from her. He headed outside for better reception and gave Dot a call back.

I looked up from the couch I was vacuuming off, and I could just tell by the look on his face that it wasn't good. As he hit the middle of the kitchen, he blurted out "We lost her about 10 minutes ago". 

Those words have echoed in my mind every day, several times a day, since I heard them. Steve has never been the person you want to hear news from: he sucks at it. He makes good news sound bad and bad news just gets blurted out.

At first, it was surreal: there wasn't anything to physically see. I was kind of in a state of denial. I texted and phoned the people that I thought would want to know. I was eerily calm and collected. I called Chris's dad and asked him to tell Cassi and to bring her home. Steve had the Littles come down and we told them. He called his parents. We all cried together for a short time, but I felt that I needed to maintain control over my emotions to be there for my girls. I mopped up my tears and held all three girls while they shed many tears.

I won't go into the details of the insanity that followed with my family in Michigan...just know that I spent the days following my mother's death being yelled at, cussed out, and informed of all the things that were expected of me. 

The day of the funeral was really the first day that her death hit home with me. There was her Earthly body, encased in box for all to see. I spent a good deal of the wake outside. It was very hard to look at her like that; not that it's ever easy, but I was on the verge of losing it. In the back of the parlor, the video tribute I made was playing. I spent a lot of time back there, too. 

When it was time for the service, my sister hurt me very badly. I had to sit in the front row with just my three girls; she didn't let Steve and Chris sit with us. She actually taped names to chairs. As I sit here typing this, tears have come to my eyes. I was devastated by her selfishness yet again. 

I will have to finish this post later..........


Brandie said...


You were my very first friend when we moved to Chelse, and even though we have grown up, I still feel like those little kids on the bus (arguing, and telling each oterh we aren't friends, then the next day being friends again!).

My heart hurts for you. I wish I could say something to make things easier. Just know that I pray for you.


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